


Years Of Sorrow

by TristanIsGay



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Adultery, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Depression, Drunk Sex, Explicit Sexual Content, Hospitals, Injury, M/M, Marijuana, Mentions of Suicide, Minor Character Death, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-23
Updated: 2016-12-23
Packaged: 2018-09-11 12:02:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,441
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8978902
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TristanIsGay/pseuds/TristanIsGay
Summary: Alexander fell in love. He fell hard. The boy was already in a bad state. Being hopelessly in love somehow helped. In till all his hopes were crushed. And that was the start of his impossible year.





	

Life was rough on Alexander. Really rough. When he was 10 his father left him. When he was 12 his mother died while he was in her arms. He grew up alone and isolated. When he was 17 a hurricane came in and destroyed everything. Everything he had left was whipped away from him. Except himself, He couldn’t seem to die. He was ready to die at 12. But nothing seemed to work. When he was 19 he moved to America. Being an immigrant wasn’t very easy either. 

Once he finally got into a college he met many people. Many not understanding him well. His random sad moments confused them. Whenever it stormed he panicked. Which people would usually confront by an awkward hug and say “It’s okay.” Really only two people seemed to get him. His two best friends John and Thomas. John was more of a sweeter friend, Comforting hugs and nice words. Thomas was more of a tough love, nice things said in ways that are a bit harsh. But Thomas was affectionate. More than he’ll let himself believe. Something felt different with Thomas. Alex fell for him. And he fell hard.

Everything seemed to get better for Alex once he started being around Thomas more. Confidence seemed to come up. He smiled more. Thomas seemed to like him back. Every time they hugged Alexanders heart fluttered. His smile seemed to get wider by the day. And it was very noticeable. Alex told a few people that he liked Thomas. He was actually planning on asking him out. He had everything planned out. In till his spirit was crushed.

Thomas had wanted his friends to met someone. Almost everyone assumed it was going to be a family member. He said his family was in town so that’s what everyone got out of it. They were all sitting and talking at the table when Thomas walked in with a girl standing with him. She was Darker skinned just like Thomas and had hair similar to his so Alex thought it was his sister.

“Guys. This is my girlfriend, Sally.” He says with a happy grin on his face. That love struck goofy grin. Alexander felt his heart drop. His chest suddenly feeling heavy. He could practically feel all the happiness he gained leave him. The room fell silent for a moment. He saw John and Eliza look over at him, the two people he told that he liked Thomas. 

“Congrats, Thomas.” Lafayette said to break the silence. “How long have you two been together?”

“About 2 months now.” He responded, happiness heavy in his voice.

Alex didn’t listen to anything else. He knew if he did he’d start crying. 2 months? So everything was just in Alexanders head. Everything that seemed like flirting or genuine love. Was nothing? It felt so…real. He should have known. 

“Alex. Alex. Alexaaaanderrr,” Thomas said whilst waving his hands in front of his face. Alex jumped and looked at Thomas. “Are you alright?” He chuckled with a smile. He looked so happy. He shined brighter than he had seen before. It made Alex quiver. Sally made him happier than he’d ever seen him before. 

He had to leave. He couldn’t stay any longer. It was getting too much for him. He slipped out of his chair and said: “I have to go.” Before leaving. No goodbye or anything. He left before anyone could say anything. As soon as he was in his car tears starting falling. He drove home as he cried and sobbed. When he got home it wasn’t pretty.

He was screaming and crying. Shouting at no one. A few things to himself. Well. Almost everything was to himself. He screamed things like ‘why would he ever like me.’ ‘How did I even think that’ ‘I’m repulsive’ and many other self-degrading things. He ended up throwing something at the wall at one point. He wasn’t sure what it was. All he knew is it broke and it felt good. 

After his long breakdown, he pulled out a bottle of whiskey and sat down. He didn’t feel anything. The house was quiet and lonely. He took a drink straight from the bottle. The strong taste made him feel something. 

“He’ll never love me” He sighed before drinking again.

Alex didn’t get much better after that. Or any better for a matter of fact. He went out drinking a lot. He tried to go with friends but It never felt right without Thomas. But if Thomas was there sally was there. So he went alone. A lot. He blackout every now and then. He had a few one-night stands. Anything to forget. His friends were worried. The only person who didn’t even seem to notice was Thomas. He always talked about sally. Everything was about her. Alex got tired of it. And when he finally starts to get over him Thomas seems to pull him back in. His sweet words and soft hugs. Ugh. He’s such an ass. Being so perfect. It was always a goodbye that pulled him right back in. “It was so nice to see you again.” In his perfect voice then wrapping his arms around him and hugging him in a loving manner. Alex felt so connected to him. It made him terribly sad that it wasn’t mutual.

Alex felt himself falling into a cycle. Wake up. Eat. Drink. Work. Drink. Sleep. Over and over again. It was like he was on autopilot. Then something got in the way of his path.

The day wasn’t great for Alex. It wouldn’t be great for anyone really. He was worse than usual. He was with Angelica. She kept him from drinking. She’d take it from him whenever he picked one up. And one day he just started crying. He tried to hold it in but he just didn’t work.

Angelica tried to comfort him but she's really not patient enough to deal with Alex when he was like this. He usually didn’t respond to anything. No matter what they said. There were very few people who could handle the way he got. Angelica got pissed and broke.

“Stop fucking crying! What is it huh? Did Thomas say he loved his girlfriend? Get the fuck over it Alexander!” She snapped. Alex stopped and slowly looked up at her.

“You wanna know what happened? My brother died. Y’know the only family I have left.” He last part was a bit loud. Angelica froze for a moment, giving a regretful and sympathetic look.

“Oh Alexa-”

“Don’t Oh Alexander me, Angelica! None of you fucking understand what I’m going through! All of my family is gone! My mother died holding me! Do you know how traumatic that is? No, you don’t and you don’t even try to understand! And the cousin I was staying with after hung himself! So I’m sorry for being fucked up! I’m sorry I can't just get over it! Thomas was the only person I felt such a strong connection with and you have no fucking clue what it’s like not to be loved back! Fuck you!” He ranted, screaming at her. He left on that note. 

The months dragged on and nothing got better. He drank. And he drank more. Every turn it seemed there was heartache. From broken promises to seeing Thomas with a fucking matching tattoo with sally. It was only heartache and fear. And Drinking. It was odd that Thomas didn’t seem to notice. He was in love. So much so it was blinding. He only noticed if he had a physical mark. Which was usually from fights. Fighting got out a lot of his anger so he got out. It usually left him with a scar or a black eye. 

If you asked Alex to look back on that year and tell you one good thing. He couldn’t. The year was painful. It seemed almost impossible. He had no idea how he was surviving this. Though mentally he was dead, which in a way kept him alive. He got numb to things. The more mentally dead he felt the less things hurt. 

John got very concerned. After a long fight, John convinced Alex to go to therapy. He didn’t see how it would help. And he was to a point where he didn’t care anymore. But he did. To make John happy.

The therapy session led to a lot of emotion coming out. He cried hard. He exploded. He felt stupid afterwords but he was diagnosed with Major depressive disorder and was given medicine. Great. Happy pills.

He wasn’t sure if they worked the way they were supposed to. It made him another person.He didn’t feel himself and afterward, he felt worse. The pill was bitter. He hated the taste. He knew he should try and get different pills but he just didn’t want them. He convinced himself he couldn’t be cured and that was okay.

The year was coming to a close. Alex was barely even keeping track anymore. He wished the year went by faster. It felt like five years. He looked outside and It was snowing. And Alex smiled. He saw children playing and laughing with their parents. He sighed and mumbled “Never grow up” before walking away from the window. He noticed an envelope that was slide under the door. He tilted his head and bent down, picking up. He walking to the living room where the lighting was good enough for him to read in and through on his glasses.

‘You have been invited to Thomas Jefferson and Sally Hemings wedding’

Alex froze, staring at the invitation. His chest felt heavy. He took off his reading glasses and took a deep breath before letting out the smallest cry. He slowly fell to his knees, the invitation falling out of his hands. Tears fell silently before he started crying into his hands. His breaths were shaky and his tears fell fast. Thomas had fallen in love just like Alex did. And he had to accept that. He did. But he wasn’t very happy about it. 

A few weeks later Alex is looking in the mirror. He looked terribly skinny and tired. No wonder Thomas didn’t like him. He pinned up his hair and put his suit on. Being best man for the man you love was weird. At least he could get drunk as hell at the bachelor party, right? Actually no. Laf didn’t let him drink. He looked at himself in the mirror and sighed. 

“My best friend is getting married. I’m happy for him. Yet I’m envious of sally. Well, not envious. She deserves him more than me. So jealous. He’s in love but not with me…and that’s okay..”

The wedding was a blur for Alex. He wasn’t paying attention. He looked down and clapped when they kissed. He didn’t need to see that. He knew it happened. That was painful enough. Afterward, Alex got drunker than he ever had. Which was a bad idea but he couldn’t bear staying sober. After his like 18th drink Thomas cut him off. Alex whined in protest.

“Alex I’d rather you not be drunk at my wedding.” Thomas said crossing his arms and Alex laughed.

“You wouldn’t even notice the difference. I’m always drunk.” He said, getting another drink. Thomas looked at him confused, taking the drink away from him.

“What do you mean? You seem fine.” He said. Alex laughing harder.

“I drink constantly. I don’t know how you didn’t notice, everyone else did. But he’ll its the only thing that works.” Alex sudden felt light headed, he gripped the table to be steady and he closed his eyes. His body felt weak.

“Alexander are you alright?” Thomas said concerned. Alex hit the floor and he heard a women's voice call out “Alexander!” then black.

He woke up late that night. His head was throbbing and he groaned. He looked around. He was in a hospital bed. Alex sighed. His first thought was ‘how the hell am I going to pay this bill’. But then he remembered the wedding and groaned again. He ruined it. Completely ruined it. Eh, what does he care? They've married now anyway. Alex looked to the right and he saw his bag with a note on his. 

‘I’ll be there in the morning. We’re going to talk about what’s wrong’

Alex just rolled his eyes. He appreciated the thought but nothing was going to help. Especially since Thomas is a big issue. Well, Alex is the issue. Thomas is just kinda there. Making his life worse without even trying. He needed to write. It’s the only way he could let his thoughts go. He went through his page and pulled out his journal and a pen. He started writing.

‘Dear,…I don’t know….Life

This year has been utterly Impossible. There is no other way to describe it. Nothing went well. Let’s review. I fell in love with Thomas then he gets a girlfriend. Not but a few months later my brother dies. I was given nothing but empty promises. I go to therapy and am giving bitter pills that do nothing to help my dirty mental state. And in that mix, I became an Alcoholic. My coast is unclear. All of my friends seem so insincere. They intrude and exclude this Impossible year. There was never a day that was okay. There were no in between’s. If only my mother were here. or my brother. Maybe I’d be okay. Or at least better. People want me to talk to them but how can they understand my storm of sorrow that won't disappear. And to think If Thomas loved me I would have been okay. I was so happy when I thought he had the same feelings towards me. I remember what Eliza said. “He loves you. I just know it.” Good one. Thanks for the false hope. Everything crashed when I met sally. She really is a sweet girl. Completely deserving of a man like Thomas. I, on the other hand, do not. 

Suicide has been on my mind recently but I don’t deserve what I want. I want to die but that's what I want from my life. Therefore I do not deserve such action. I feel almost half dead. Mentally I am dead. I feel lifeless and numb. So being half dead is what I’ll settle with. 

To whoever I am writing this to or whoever may read this for some reason. I Hope Your life goes better than mine. I hope you get what you want from Life’

Sincerely,

A.Ham’  


**Author's Note:**

> I hope you liked it. This chapter was inspired by the song 'Impossible year' by P!ATD. And every chapter will end with hamilton writing a letter to Life, Death, Happiness, or Love, or occasionally his mother and/or brother. This was more of a summary of why he's so depressed. In other chapters it will go further into the events.
> 
> Oh and follow my tumblr for more writings! Ultraprocrastinatingwriter   
> I do requests and i post random shit
> 
> Thanks for reading!


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